starburn- and still sucked out of the bathroom of space

“I don’t know… I feel like something’s off.” Smithann scratched her head and looked down at the floor.

“I don’t know…I feel like something’s off.” Ben2Times said to Stephania and looked down at the motel room floor.

“What do you mean?” Fitz asked.

“What do you mean?” Stephania asked.

“Well, if I listen to him talking in my head it sounds like him but not really, it sounds like someone took over his voice, or maybe I’m talking to two people and… and I know… it sounds crazy.” Smithann said.

“You’re not crazy,” Stephania said.

“You’re crazy,” Fitz looked up at Smithann.  “Why in the world would someone try to intercept Ben2Times soul and if they did then why even bother with the mystery?  Why not just tell you?”

“I don’t know,” Ben2Times glanced around the room suspiciously, “It’s like they’re all here, all the time… saying different things.”

Stephania listened to the drips from the bathroom faucet.  She vaguely heard Glen’s breath rasping in and out from outside the door but choose to just ignore that. He had stopped tapping on the window for now… so at least they had that.

“Listen Ben,”


“Oh I’m sorry I mean Ben2Times, I’m just gonna start okay? I’m gonna tell you what I know.” Stephania said.

She cleared her throat.  “First of all, your name’s not Ben2Times, it’s Ed-“

“Wait, what!?”

Stephania rolled her eyes and fell back on the thin brown comforter.  She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to imagine something more fun to do.  Oh, that was nice.

“Stephania!” Ben2Times yelled, “Stop ignoring me… you…you…’ve been lying there for 3 millenia blinking your eyes and making up stories, tell me what you were going to say!” Ben2Times pleaded.

“Oh,” she sat up and adjusted her buckle, “you’re still here.”

“Wha- you’re goddamn right I’m still here,” Ben2Times looked at her in astonishment, “I’ve been listening to you mumble on and on about sprites and ugly princesses and oars and far-away lands and I’m sick of it.”  He stared at her dark green lips and thought of kissing her even though he was super pissed.

Just then he remembered the other Stephania, the real Stephania. He had to get back to his friend but he couldn’t help but wonder…were her lips as plump as this? Were they exactly the same or slightly different….Could he forget that she was just a replica? Or version? (he still couldn’t figure out what). He looked back from her lips to her pretty red eyes.  “Snap out of it and just tell me.” he said.

“Fine.” she said.

“Okay, fine.” he said.

“Well?” he heard in his head.

“Oh shut up Glen!” Ben2Times roared.

“Whoa, whoa…” Glen said, “I’m just tryin’ tah figure out this mystery business going on…”  Glen pressed his huge eye against the window and started tapping again.


Ben2Times leapt from the bed and charged toward the bathroom door head first.

“Wait!” Stephania yelled and as he came within two inches of the door.

And just like that, he was gone.

“Oh.  Well I knew that was gonna happen.” Stephania said to the empty room.

“I didn’t.” Glen said.

“Ah… just get in here Glen,” she said and started to move the furniture away from the door.

“Good, it was getting cold out here.” Glen said as he saw the last wisp of Ben2Times dissolve in the air.

“You can take it.” Stephania said.

“You’re one to talk you get to be inside the room every time,” Glen said and removed his mask. “I gotta be out here in the cold groaning and tapping… it get’s old Stephania.”

Oooohhhh…. it gets old Stephania… I’m so weak from the cold… I’m so aloooone…”

“Oh shut up you crazy bitch…” Glen strode through the door and plucked his eyeballs back into his head. “Whew… good to see again…  ahhh you’re a sight, awfully green today I see..”

“Save it you old eye bag,” Stephania shot back.

Glen smirked. “You’re coming up with new ones, I see…”

“You’re eye stint gets cornier every time.  And where’d you get that awful hand?” she plopped down on the bed and started unbuttoning her blouse.

“Can you take that in the bathroom? I think we’ve all had enough of your green tits… and you know Jenny#7 don’t like me seeing that, c’mon.”

“Ah, she likes to watch too.”

“No, no she doesn’t.” Glen massaged his eyeballs and walked toward the bathroom door. “And what’s with stripping down and all that hopping business? You’re taking it a little too far, I think.  One of these days he’s gonna catch wise and figure out how ridiculous this is.”

“No… he’s not.” Stephania laughed.  “I mean, every single time. He’s the same every single time.” She curled her body like a cat and took her shirt between her teeth. “It doesn’t matter what I do.”

“Well, I think it does,” Glen replied.  He bent over and picked up a few silver hairs from the carpet. “Look, he’s shedding hairs now? That’s never happened before…. I think something’s changing.”

Stephania smirked and bounced around on the bed.  Glen stared.

“Oh put your eyeballs back in your head…” she said, “He can’t catch wise, how could he?” She stopped bopping and jumped up suddenly. “Oh shit.”

“What? What? I knew it was something.” Glen dropped the silver hairs from his fingers and watched as Stephania ransacked the dresser drawer.

“The movie…” she muttered as she fumbled things around in the drawer. “There was a movie here and we didn’t watch it, didn’t even talk about it.”

“Oh yeah…. I forgot.”

Stephania kept searching.  “Even if we don’t watch it, he usually pulls it out and we talk about it.  Or we just watch the beginning before Tomboy barges in.”

“Wait, which movie?”

Stephania groaned. “Hmm…. I’m not sure.  I don’t know if it was the one about the guy who starts investigating a writer and falls for her or the one where the waiter turns out to be the stalker or… oh yeah there’s one with a dead fairy.  It’s usually one of those three except for that one time…”

Glen walked over to the dresser and then looked under the bed. “Maybe it fell down somewhere.  Is this the only time you guys didn’t do that?”


“Hey don’t get mad at me because you screwed up the-“

“Hey what are you guys doing in here?” Ben2Times stuck his head through the door.

“Oh hey Ben, we’re looking uh…  looking for Glen’s money. Have you seen a blue duffle bag with a cross on it anywhere?”

Ben2Times shook his head slowly and his eyes got slightly bigger.  “No… can’t say I have… was it a lot of money Glen?”

Glen looked at Stephania and then back to Ben2Times. “Hey, Ben umm… how’d you get here so fast?”

“What do you mean? And it’s uh… Ben2Times remember?”

“Oh yeah, um sorry Ben… 2Times um… where’d you go?” Glen asked.

“Oh I just went down to the vending machine to get some sodas and talked to Stacy for a bit, she’s-“

“Where’s the sodas?” Stephania asked.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Where’s the sodas Ben?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Grab him!”

Ben2Times ducked and dove underneath Glen as he catapulted him toward him in the doorway.  Glen’s head slammed into the wall and he passed out while Stephania tried to make her way to the bathroom sink.  She knew if she could just reach behind the pipes and get the package she could fix this.

“Not this time you crazy bitch…” Ben2Times pulled a fisher’s net out from under his shirt and trapped and tied her. She tried to dissolve or morph or spin but nothing worked.  What kind of material was this?

“Wait Ben, I’m your friend! Remember?” she pleaded with him.

“Oh really, Stephania. So what was all that I hear about me not catching wise? Hmm?”

“No, Ben, you have to understand.  We have to do this.  It’s to protect you!” her eyes started to well and drop huge puddle tears, “If we don’t you die, not dematerialize, not just jumping planets, but really die, it happened once and you almost didn’t come back…” she sputtered.

“Is this your real tearjerker drama or you got an onion in your cheek?” he hissed as he tightened the net.

“I’m telling you the truth.  This is what we have to do so you’ll get to the Burger Bop on time.  You have to be there on time.  The 1st.  …and Emclog already ate the egg.  So that means you only have three options left.”

“For the last time, tell me who’s Emclog.”

“I don’t know… he just signed the note…” Stephania stuttered.

Ben2Times tightened the net even smaller.

Ahhh!  Ow that really hurts.  Okay, okay… he’s your partner okay?”

Ben2Times clinched the final space out of the ropes.

Ahhh! He really is! You’re… you’re…”

“I’m what, Stephania, hurting you?” Ben2Times hissed and he noted real tears coming from her pores.

“You’re a spy! An interplanetary spy!” she sobbed. “There’s eleven of you….now… that we know of.  Something happened… something keeps happening… and we don’t know how to fix it!”

Ben2Times dropped the net and sat down heavily on the bed.

Stephania blinked up at him through the net and reformed herself.

“Well, don’t just sit there… come on out.” he said.

She slid out of the net and crawled toward him.  Then she curled up next to him on the bed.

“Let’s just take it easy for a while.” she said and patted his hand.

His eyes felt drowsy and he couldn’t stop himself from rubbing them.

“Look, there in your paw, let’s watch that movie and take a little nap or something….” Stephania whispered.

“Alright, well, wait… why do I have paws?” he mumbled sleepily, “…they’re so furry…” he chuckled softly “And how’s this movie in a box and not up in the air and where’s Glen…” he mumbled and leaned back on the bed.

“Shhhh… shhhh…” Stephania murmured and caressed his head.  “Shhhh, let mommy kiss you there….” she crooned and put her lips against his warm and pulsing neck.

“Stephania.” Glen said firmly.  He was raising himself shakily from the spot by the door.  “Stop that.  You know you can’t screw him.”

“Oh… Glen. You’re up.” she said and rubbed her body closer to Ben2Times.

“Maybe this time I can?  He’ll wake up and let me, right?  Just this once?”



“Exactly.  You know the rules.” 


“Sucked out by the vacuum of space” -a short story

“Here,” Fritz shoved a tiny square shaped card into Smithann’s hands, “Take this and read it.”

Smithann looked down at the card.  There was a naked woman wrapped and huddled in a comfy looking beige sheet with a shell like a snail on the lower half of her body.  It looked like she was sleeping with the sea behind her and there was a staircase leading to nowhere and it was the dumbest looking card Smithann had ever saw in her life.

“Ahem…” Fritz cleared his throat, “Out loud.  Read it aloud please.”

“Re..Rejuvenation,” Smithann said, “and what does that really mean anyway?”

“My god Smithann!” Fritz exclaimed, “You do not know this word?  What were they teaching you here…I do not understand how…”

“Hey wait, we learned about all kinds of stuff.” Smithann looked at him and furrowed her eyebrows.    “The Generals of the Third Planetary Mattonorn and the Battles of Artheaver 76, The Kill Links, Math… you know, important stuff.” Smithann said.

“Oh I see,” Fritz replied, “important stuff hmmm.” He took the card from her hands and threw it up into the ceiling of the Burger Bop freezer.  They were standing by the stacks of frozen fry mix and had been contemplating taking another trip.  There were brochures scattered all over racks number 6 and 7 and this time they would be sure not to be “taken for suckers” as Fritz had put it.  Planet Blink had been a bust.  They never found the legitimate scrap in that big empty warehouse and had to actually sneak out of there while no one was looking.  Not fun.

“Do you think Ben2Times and Stephania know about all of these planets in here?” she asked Fritz.

He looked at her gravely. “We should not worry about these things.” he said.

“Besides, what is a life full of worry? Here, read this one.” He thrust another tiny card in her hand.

This one had a woman with a red draping robe kinda like a Greek or something but she was sitting on a clump of rocks outside at a weird sunset.  She was sprawled over the stones with her head bent into the crevice of her arm. There was a pool of water in front of her with a huge red flower bigger than her body floating on top.

“Release.” Smithann said, “I know what that means…”

“Uh huh, so now you see…” Fritz replied

“See what?” Smithann asked and looked at him quizzingly. “What does it all mean? … I’m confused.”

“Those are the cards.” Fritz said. “It means what it says.  And you picked them.”

“I don’t like this game,” Smithann replied, “it seems kind of boring.” She threw the final two cards up into the ceiling where they stuck and then froze into the wall.

Then to their surprise the women on the cards got up and walked off of their grid, upside down onto the ceiling, dodging icicles and making their way to the walls.

“Where are they going?!” Fritz yelled.

“Calm down… calm down.” Smithann said as she watched the regal women slowly make their way across the frozen ceiling and down onto the walls,

“Maybe they got bored of all that flower and pond action…” Smithann chuckled and continued to stare mystically at the tiny women.  They were even smaller than Fritz, and he was only 3 inches tall!

Smithann wondered if either she or Fritz should go talk to them first and concluded that since she would probably seem huge to them like a golly green giant that Fritz should go say hi.

“Go say hi.” she said, “and be nice.”

Fritz walked over to the furthest wall of the freezer where the first woman was headed.  It was the wall way at the back of the walk-in freezer, isolated and partly submerged in the dark.  The light bulb shaped square flickered and Smithann wondered why it would do that.

“And Fritz,” she called to him, “I don’t know why I’m saying this, but be careful okay?”

Fritz nodded but as he neared the tiny woman she suddenly let out a wild banshee shriek and leapt from the halfway point on the wall.  As she flew through the air towards him her red robe fluttered massively behind her and her face screwed up tighter and tighter.  Her red-clawed hands were stretched out in front of her and Fritz wondered if they were what was helping her glide so awesomely.

He moved quickly to the left and she slid in a few feet past him like she was sliding into home base.

“Um… hello there,” Fritz called down hesitantly to her, “…and how might you’re day be going so far?” he asked.

She curled up into a loose ball with her arm draped over her knee and her head resting on top of that arm.  It was kind of like how she was before on the her card but without all that other stuff.

“Er…I umm…noticed the fine material of your garment,” Fitz said, “It is very…”

“I wish everyone I knew was dead.” she mumbled down into her arm.

“Um… pardon?” Fritz leaned over closer to her, “Surely you do not mean-“

“I wish…” she looked up suddenly into his eyes and Fritz jumped back, “everyone… I knew…was…dead.”

Fritz just stared at her. Stunning! he thought.  Simply stunning.  Her wild and dewy emerald eyes twirled in her head and her red, red lips glistened as tiny little icicles froze on her lips and drifted away into the freezer.  Fritz leaned in a little closer.

“Well,” he said, “uh… I guess me too.  I wish they were too.” He couldn’t believe what he was saying.  Why was he saying this?

“DEAD!!!!!” she shrieked and leapt up into the air and did a little uppercut hook and then another jab into the air.  Then she went suddenly still and dropped her arms flat onto the sides of her body.

Fritz watched as all the emotion drained from her face.  “Dead.” she whispered and he nodded and walked closer.  “Me, too.”

“Fritz!” Smithann yelled, “whadaryou doin’ back there?”

“Oh, oh!” Fritz snapped out of it and shook his head, “Yes, yes, we are conversing.”

“Good!” Smithann yelled back, “because I can’t find the other one.  I lost her!”

“Mmmhmm…” Fritz nodded absently and walked slowly toward the red flowing creature. Beautiful! He reached out to touch her bare shoulder but she knocked his hand away and hissed at him. Somehow, her eyelids opened even wider and her eyeballs bulged from her head.  He waited a moment and tried again and this time she let him keep his hand there.

“Are you okay?” he asked her.

He noticed her shoulder was covered in dust, which was weird.  “Are your troubles from anxieties?  Fears?  Do not worry,” he said and tried to massage her shoulder.

“And what is your name?” he asked.

AHHHHHHHH” she screeched and reached inside her robe and pulled out a collection of huge gold moons.

“Wait… how did those fit in there?” Fritz asked.

AHHHHHHHHH” she screamed and hurled a huge gold disc toward the other end of the freezer but it shrunk down as it traveled and eventually disappeared into a point.

Suddenly the temperature dropped a few thousand degrees and none of them could move.

Fritz couldn’t really figure out how it had happened but they had somehow moved past the frozen point to some kind of beyond frozen point that was just very slow moving still.

But Fritz had jumped inside his sudsy wheelbarrow right before it happened. Now he cut through the cold with his mind.

“LADY!” he yelled at her in her mind, “you must be very frightened and I know that is why you are acting like this…” he said, “But for us, please, leave this aggression and put your angry moons away.  We will not retaliate to you or your fellow beings, please! We insist.” he said.

Fritz peeped his head up from his wheelbarrow and noticed that things were back to normal.  It was not one hundred thousand times below freezing and he could move again.

“Whew,” he said, “well that was something.” He got out of the wheelbarrow and squeezed some grey and floppy suds from his pants leg.

The woman was seething in a corner, twisting the corners of her red robe until her hands were raw.  Smithann came running up from the other side.  “What was that?” she asked.

“I am unsure at this moment,” Fritz replied, “but maybe it is unnecessary to find out, or rather, unwise… we must ensure that it does not happen again. That is the most important thing.” He reached into his wheelbarrow and pulled out a red book with gold lettering.  There was a smiling large bald man on the cover with a fancy gold watch.

“What is that?” Smithann asked, “…and how is it dry?”

“Do not concern yourself with that, I must read to this woman and it will calm her and encourage her to speak.” Fritz leafed through the book and came upon a battered clump of pages.

“This book has been proven effective with similar beings I’ve encountered and I am certain it will work again.” Fitz nodded and looked in the woman’s direction. “I must proceed. Excuse me Smithann.” He nudged his way past her and walked straightaway to the seething woman.

“Hello my friend,” Fritz said down to her loudly and slowly, “I will begin reading to you now.”

He cleared his throat, “I am reading to you from the book “SELF MATTERS, Creating Your Life from the Inside Out, by a Mr. Phillip C. McGraw, PH.D.” he said loudly, “It will help you.”

AHHHHHHHHH” the woman screamed and barreled at him full speed.

“Smithann!” Fritz yelled, “At the ready!”  Smithann swooped in and swooped the tiny woman up into her cupped hands and held her there.  She bent down toward Fritz and then opened up a little crack between two fingers so that they could peep in and she could hear them.

An angry hand burst through the opening but Fritz just prodded it back in and commenced his reading.

The Role of Choice.” he began, “We don’t begin life with the privilege and responsibility of making choices for ourselves. Typically, we don’t even begin to differentiate ourselves from other living forms until the age of two.  Your dependence on your parents or other adult authorities means that, during your crucial years of growth and learning, they were the people who made your choices for you.  Questions about what to eat, what to wear…”

After a while, Smithann could feel the thrashing in her hands quiet down and even her own eyes got a little drowsy and the last thoughts she had before she fell asleep was of piranhas and badgers, an African fish eagle that swooped down to grab a small monkey, it flew high above the water into the air and a ferocious wolverine bringing down a deer many times its own size.  Oh and a box jellyfish, shortening tentacles, and a killer nervous system, in that order.


“Sucked out by the vacuum of space”

“Sucked out by the vacuum of space” -a short story. (Part 2, Chapter 1)

coming in your television boxesPlanet BlinkA happy and you know this“Sucked out by the vacuum of space” -a short story, Part 7, section 2What’s wrong with Ben2Timeshey you asked me and I gave it to you

Sucked out by the vacuum of space A SHORT STORY

Ben2Times eyelids fluttered furiously in his sleep. Stephania perched on the edge of the cot.  They were in the storeroom closet of the Burger Bop.

Ever since they’d gotten back from that Duplicate Planet, Ben’d been nodding off, off and on, throughout the endless night.

It wouldn’t even day anymore.  The letter “d”s had left the building, drifting, floating through the air at a laconic droopy pace and nobody even swatted at them or said goodbye.

When the last one left, he had snapped close his briefcase (how’d he even get that in here, Stephania had thought, but then she thought of the pink flamingo rocker dance and the cage rock fury and thought yeah, well, why not). He’d drifted breezily but curtly by her through the door.  His look of disdain was almost audible so Stephania was sure to slam the door right behind him as he had tried to compress it ever so gently.

“Fucking asshole “D”s…” Stephania mumbled as Ben2Times eyelids fluttered even faster and his paws swiped sleepily in the air.

Since the endless night and the departure of the “d”s, things had taken a turn. Smithann and Fitz had been spending ever-increasing lapses of time in the walk-in freezer and she knew they were up to something in there.  Everybody knew.  Even Natalianese, who could be a lot of things, but unobservant was not one of them, Stephania could tell.  She was watching her.  Close.

All was quiet in the Burger Bop, she could hear the swipe of the soapy towel that Natalianese was using the wipe the door-paneled windows in the lobby.  The whole place was see-thru in the lobby area and they had used this to their advantage before, able to notice if any weird entities were creeping up even though none had ever tried it.  All that time and not a visitor.  Well, except Fitz, and that one little girl that no one will talk about yet, and the bug.  And the meat.

But now the night and Ben2Times spent most of his time sleeping and Natalianese wouldn’t stop washing the windows in the dark.  It was creepy.  You could hear the dead silence of nothing and then the creak or whine of some type of pulley or contraption from the freezer and the hum of its engine kicking in ever so often.  Then the squeaks from the glass as Natalianese made her dumb-ass karate kid circles. Stephania could see her stupid red eyeballs pinpointing down on them when she was suspended and floating, washing from the outside.

Stephania decided to see what she was up to.  She waited until she seemed to not be looking and eased through the door.  Then she crept around and kicked over her wash bucket, but something strange fell out.

It wasn’t water.

Suddenly Natalianese shrieked soundlessly and air-glided toward her lightning fast at a horizontal angle of quickened oatmeal.  Quite impressive, Stephania thought, and mentally saved that move into her repertoire.

“You   don’t   touch   that  bucket   bitch.” Natalianese spat.

“Whoa whoa whoa?  What bucket?” Stephania smiled and looked at her with as much doe eye as she could muster.

“I was just out for a stroll…  oh, you mean this bucket?” She picked up the bucket and tossed it over her shoulder.  It fell quickly toward the polyurethane sidewalk panel but stopped mid-air right before it could crash.

Stephania eyed it floating there, pursed her lips in a half grin and looked back up at Natalianese.

They glared at each other in a deathlock of fury.

“You mean this magic bucket?” Stephania said into Natalianese’s brain.

“I can still talk like this too you green cow.” Natalianese thought back at her.

Neither of their lips moved but their eyes shone into the night, Natalianese with more of a red hue that Stephania noticed was starting to jump vision on the glass and project little red dots everywhere.

“Uh oh.”

“Damn right, you green menace!” Natalianese blared into her brain and Stephania felt her eyes began to wobble as the high-pitched warble reverberated between her ears.  She ripped two tufts of the sidewalk panel up, balled it up in little bits and shoved them in her ears like two earplugs.

That didn’t help.

She had forgotten the old ways.  They had gotten used to using the new organ voices and now this crazy loon was inside of her and she even had the magic bucket.  She had forgotten all about these devices.

She ripped the plugs out of her ears and yanked the bucket from the air.  Some more of the strange substance fell out but Stephania ignored it and slammed the bucket down over Natalianese’s big stupid head.

She withdrew her pointing stick and unsheathed it from its ultra sound-absorbent scabbard.

“Aaaayyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!” she screeched and reigned down a series of furious thumps on top of the bucket covering Natalianese’s head.

With each thump Natalianese kinda sunk down through the polyurethane ground board until finally she was drilled waist deep.  The shrilling stopped echoing in Stephania’s head and was replaced by a sad sad sobbing.

“Wha?  Wait, stop that.  Stop that crying.” Stephania said and Natalianese whimpered even more sadly in her head.

“C’mon, it’s not that serious.  I was just… I was just trying to get you to stop.  You know how we are, I… uh…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Natalianese said and used the soppy towel to wipe the front of the bucket. “It doesn’t even matter anymore.  Just help me with my feet, it tickles.”

“Okay.” Stephania said and punched a hole through the sidewalk panel next to the Natalianese-shaped screw hole.

She punched again until the hole was wide enough to peek her head in and peer down there.

“Oh.  Hey guys. Sorry about that,” she said. “Didn’t know you were next to us down there… it’s complicated…”

“Just fix it.  Fix it now.” One of the blue creatures wrote on a card and held up to her head so she could read it.

Stephania figured these were the guys she had heard of before, but she thought they were located on the other side of town, through a sky ceiling at least, not the sidewalk.

It was magnificent down there.  Brilliantly blue with shimmering hints of pink, orange… any color you could think of really.

And the things looked like furry seahorses but with huge wide soccer ball eyes perched on long tendrils sticking out from their shoulder pockets.

They would have been scary, with the huge eyes and no mouths and all except for the funny looking cards that they wrote on with big sparkly glitter pencils.  Everywhere stickers.  Bright neon colors and dancing, happy stickers and bright pencils with fuzzy things attached and sparkly streamers.

The creatures bumped about and greeted with tails but Stephania noticed a few of the placards floating in the air had really, really disturbing messages.  She looked around at the huge eyeballs of some of them and wondered which ones had written them.  Sad, sad disjointed writing with glitter mounded on top but the stickers were awesome, very bright.

“Well how do I fix it?” Stephania asked one of them who happened to be floating by.

“You don’t,” it wrote and pulled out a small vial filled with red, blue, and green confetti and tossed the contents into its eyes.

It sighed and stared at her with most of its whites now sparkling and twinkling in the night.

“You just throw a bunch of this shit on it.” it wrote, and tossed her a bottle.

the way we talk

My friend had to explain to my mom that she talks differently to her little sister than ways that my mom would understand.  Here’s what happened.  They were at our house and we were just playing around and Jacki’es little sister was there because she had to watch her. THEN, we found the shattered perfume bottle tried to be hidden in the closet and asked her why she did it (we know it was her).  Jackie tries to be nice and all and in meantime mom and her stupid neighbor get there to pick up some more things for the brunch.  So we’re questioning Margo and she obviously lying and Jackie says to her “SEE- this is how you get the shit beat out of you.” in a real man way.  Finally Margo confesses and we clean it up and my mom was listening at the steps and called up in the room.  She says, “Jackie, as a parent, I am very concerned, it sounds like you beat really beat your sister, if so, this is not ok.  She is considerably younger than you and cannot protect hersrlf  and that is ABUSE.”  So I start laughing and can’t stop ROLLING and Jackie looks really confused and that makes it even funnier.  “Mrs O. I don’t know what you mean, that’s how we talk to each other.  That’s how my mom and dad talks to me.  Except worse.  It don’t mean I actually DO it.  Or would do it… it’s how we talk.”  And my mom’s like yeah well but you said That’s How you get” and Jackie was like yeah it’s the same as saying “That’s how you WILL get” but we don’t say Will like you guys do.  Oh. My mom says.

Then she goes, “But don’t you think that will hurt her self-esteem or scare the living beejezus out of her, I mean, she’s just a kid for God’s sake.” Then Jackie says Mrs O. then you don’t know <Margo, she can be a tanzmanian and I will beat the living shit out of her… but not really.  That’s just how we talk, I mean, communicate.  Then my mom goes on and on about self-esteem and I start to get sleepy and hungry and I can tell Jackie kinda spaces out after a while but finally they both agree that she’ll try not to threaten Margo’s very life next time and try OPEN communication systems or something like that.  (but I think she’s still gonna say she”ll beat the shit outta her) LOL

My mom is great.  Corny sometimes, but really, really great.





Most of my mom’s friends are medicated and they keep trying to get me on drugs

One thing they (the schools, teachers, my pastor) always say is “Don’t do drugs!”

But I was just thinking today (and yesterday) about how all of my mom’s friends always try to tell me about Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zoloft, Ambien, and Abilify.  These fancy assholes keep showing up at our doorstep with tidings and cheer (I mean drugged drooly smiles plastered on they’re faces with fake FAKE drugs).

They show up and come in shaking off the snow and so fucking smelling good and they took a shower that morning and didn’t read the news about refugees or didn’t think about how America is Screwed BECAUSE THEY WERE SO FUCKING HIGH FROM THE AMBIEN last night and the few other stuff they popped right that morning.

I fucking hate when you get in my face and my mom’s face and say oh Monica you should up your dose or call this doctor and STAAAACY why don’t you try Wellbutrin.

“You look so sad.”

“Why aren’t you singing along with the Christmas carals with us?”

“Don’t pinch me.”

You stupid high idiots I’m sorry, I know some people need it and I probably (no definitely) need it too but I refuse you.  No, thank you. No, screw yourself.  Please stop showing up at our door with false tidings of drugs and I hope you choke on a holly grove or whatever you people eat or suction down without taste buds from the side effects.


Shower me with Prozac chump trump my poem is now