Caught off guard.
I saw a segment on Chappelle show once called “When keepin it real goes wrong…” and that about says what happened to me today.
And my old stepdad always said if you don’t stand up for something you’ll fall down for anything. So yeah, I guess I stood up for the dumbest thing ever but at least it was something.
It wasn’t what she said it was the way she said it. Like, she ran up on me. I had to explain to my teacher that that means she accosted me verbally and bodily. Well, she ran after me when I walked in the store yelling “YOU have to leave NOW!” and wrapped her arms in the air around me like she was going to give me some kind of wrestling hug and started herding me out the store/shop.
Its summer here so I was walking around at my school barefoot, feeling what it feels like to go from the warm pavement outside to the cool sleek floors in the school and then the side building sidewalks too. They feel different then the pavement.
Anway so I was so caught off guard when she ran toward me yelling with her arms out that I thought she thought I had stole something so I just walked away a few steps right by the door and she tried to circle me out and saying “You can NOT come in here without shoes on!” You have to leave NOW!” like I didn’t hear her the first time she screamed it two seconds ago.
Now I know that’s probably a good rule no shoes no service because of logistical and all but it made me mad. Just the way she screamed at me in front of EVERYBODY. Like she could have said excuse me miss or ma’am or woman or girl or lady or human or fast-moving entity or ANYTHING. But just to start screaming at me to leave NOW and running toward me brought up old Trauma (my therapist calls it) of arguments I used to have with my stepdad and fights at juvi. Anyway, I started to walk away but then something in me wouldn’t do it all the way and I doubled back and walked straight through the store and right past her standing chit-chating with one of her employees and through the exit on the other side.
You shoulda seen her face. Shocked like WTF and then real real real fucking mad. She followed me out the store saying you CANNOT come in here and I turned around and asked her if she was feeling okay today, because she seemed to be having a bad day. Well she really didn’t like that. On and on about policy and trespassing as I walked away when she did NOT answer my question about her well-being.
For some reason I couldn’t let it go and leave it at that and when I circled around to the other door again and stepped one bare foot across the line she fucking flipped her maneger lid. For real. I only put one foot in and smiled and walked away and she ran after me yelling something but by this time I wasn’t really listening. Finally, when she was satisfied with her words I asked her well what are you gonna do about it? And she said “What?” and I said, what are you gonna do about it? Put your hands on me? She says no. and I say well what you gonna DO then? So then she says ok I’m calling the school security to report you and I said that’s fine I’ll dial the fucking number. But I knew I couldn’t be late for class again and the smart part of my brain said you don’t have time for this shit. But still I doubled back to give her my name while she was dialing the phone- STACY HILLER. S-T-A-C-Y H-I-L-L-E-R. I gave it to her twice.
I don’t know where all that came from. I thought I was cool. I mean really, really cool. Like I been meeting with my therapist every week and making kindness lists and things I can do for the next person etcettra and now I don’t know why I couldn’t keep it together. But I mean, am I supposed to be some kind of zen rainbow doormat that every fucking douchebag of the day wipes their douche on? I don’t think it’s supposed to work like that. I don’t know. I think I’ll go back tomorrow and try to have a real conversation with her. Like apologize for fucking with her but also explain I got triggered by her running up on me. But my mom says you can’t apologize and explain at the ssame time … we’ll see.
Also- now I’m tripping because I feel like all the people that were at the snack shop –it was some teachers and students and stuff- are gonna think that I’m crazy or not balanced. But I shouldn’t really care what they think, and I don’t but I do, well, a little itty bitty part of me do. I guess that’s what it is to be a human being? Cuz if you completely don’t care at all not even a bit you murder people and mail ‘em out ettc?
One mor e thing. This no shoes no service thing. Where did it come from originally? Like, was it for poor people or brown people or just back in the day who couldn’t afford shoes? Like, who originally didn’t have shoes? Now its all the hippies and happened to be me on the one day I wanted to rest my feet and feel the sun ground. I’m guess I’m going to google it then. later